Inner Fire Kundalini!

Thursday 12:35 p.m.
Once I was trying to read Gopi Krishna's "Living with Kundalini" by whatever light I had in a tent down at the Samye Ling one night when it was blowing a gale. Gopi had years and years of pure hell after a bummer kundalini arousal. I remember thinking how glad I was that I had some back-up with the Lama while trying to do this juju. That's what I got on Monday. Back-up.

A couple of days before the meeting, I'd been thinking that the navel symbol was displaying some of the characteristics it had when I had a kundalini arousal experience at the beginning of April in 2003. For some time I'd been looking for that to happen again, thinking it was a sign of progress, but you have to watch what you wish for.

Synchronicity? I was waiting to see the lama before going to the hut and getting serious about this stuff over my holidays. Then ....

If you read the Bliss Of Inner Fire or the Glenn Mullin translations of the tantric stuff, you really should read "Living with Kundalini" as well!!

I was speaking to the lama for more than two minutes, of course, but I wasn't there for chit chat, or to waste his time. I was completely knocked off balance by what was said. And I've been trying to re-jig my practice since then. It has been difficult to stop my mind habitually following the routines I've been setting up for the past few years. I'm trying to abandon visualising channels or symbols altogether. I've been doing a wee bit of vase breathing since, but trying not to concentrate on my navel chakra while doing it. And not trying to hold my breath for long.

The lama said the over-all heat was natural to meditation and wouldn't do me any harm. With a lot more of that than I've had yet, you could dry off wet sheets. The stuff that goes straight up your central channel is what he was warning me off. Obviously, I'm not ready to mess with that.

He said doing the Medicine Buddha sadhana was okay. I'll re-read the book I've got on that and continue doing it. There's no mention of channels or drops or symbols in this book. I just added that. I'll subtract it now.

I'm not saying the meeting with the lama didn't do my head in because it has a bit. He said I'd end up in a bad mental state. Tsongkhapa said you'd go to hell if you tried to raise heat without being able to visualise the channels and symbols clearly. I said to someone once that we could interpret that as being in a bad mental state. Same words even. He wasn't giving me some party line. He was talking to me.

"I was young once and walked by myself, and lost my way ...."

The last time I spoke to the lama was in Johnstone House, but they've moved the interview room to the new building ages ago, it seems. I'd never been there. A sign tell you about the Abbot's office. There was no one in the waiting room. I couldn't just go in there and wait since no one might know I was there. I chapped the office door, got a come in, and stuck my head round the door. Teresa was coming across the room. There was a very concerned look on her face which struck me as odd at the time. She told me just to sit in the waiting room. It turns out there was one last guy with the lama.

It's not raining at the moment. I'll have something to eat and go to the allotment. I hope I'm back on track by Monday. The Domestic Bliss has filled the weekend with appointments. Dearie me!