Half Way Into the Hols!

Sunday 9:33 p.m.
The second three weeks of my holiday starts tomorrow. It's a week since I came back from the Samye Ling and it seems an awful lot longer. Not that I have done much. When I had to find out that a deep dear friend had been handed the irreducible black spot, I tried a bit harder over the next couple of days. And I stayed in and mooched about, sometimes smoked dope, sometimes had a drink. It was quite like being on holiday.

Any one of us could have been handed that black spot. It occurred to me that even with all the meditations I'd been doing that my false sense of self was so still engrained that I would react to being given the black spot much the same as any other joe.

Today I wondering why I was bothering to meditate so much. If I was just going around being sober and straight all the time and acting like a nice person, then maybe I wouldn't have to meditate so much and I could go around with the happiness spontaneously beaming out.

Because the computery thing in my bedroom doesn't have any connectivity, I was clickying on the desktop icons whilst smoking a joint earlier on. So I was reading stuff I'd saved from the bloggy in July 2005. I sounded as if I was having an absolutely wonderful time at least sometimes during July 2005, and that's four years ago. In all that time I've always thought the meditations were getting better and better, and I still feel that though it can't be true.

Today I was thinking that why was I trying so hard (I could have been cycling in the rain!) when I would never reach the heights of this juju. (This is despair, Oh Lordy, Lordy, caused by the mind pollutions and addictions!)

In actual fact, this is the heights. This might be as good as it gets. I'm in the death zone alreadys! But they can't take the bliss away from me, Jack! When the mutterings of the mumbo jumbo have led to the dispersment of thoughts ... or if you've just sat up right and concentrated on the mumbo jumbo long enough ... you will get the bliss. This huge experience of bliss in your life. I've been getting the bliss since ages ago. What is all this trying crap?

The thoughtless zone. When I die, as I surely will, Lama Yeshe Losal is my guru ... and then I want to go to the thoughtless zone, where there are no things and thoughts do not arise. There may be a consciousness, but only of bliss and ecstasy beyond limitation. A very, very subtle awareness maybe. As long as there are no lying basturn thoughts, that's the main thing. It's when a lying basturn thought arises that you've lost it. We embrace our ignorance. We don't believe in any things. Especially thoughts. That'll be tenpercent off the top, please.