Yoga for Flatheids!

Tuesday 9:00 p.m.
I've heard that the pizzas may arrive tomorrow evening. Hurrah! Three weeks without. Dearie me! Anyway, in anticipation of an addiction switch tomorrow, I've just poured my first beer. Furstenberg Premium Lager.

Before I start insulting anyone, I must apologise to all the yogis and yoginis out there, particularly the Spango Yogini, for my rude remarks about hatha yoga being gymnastics for old people. If I recall correct, the yoga classes I used to go to were populated with gorgeous bendy babes and only one or two old people.

I went to Mr Iyengar's Yoga classes for twelve years. I know there are different styles, but that kind of yoga is pretty static and there was almost no pranayama, and no meditational stuff at all. Partial. Very good for what it was, but partial.

Mr Iyengar's sun salutations, the yogic jumpings I don't do enough of, are wonderful! If you follow the breath, they really help your lungs.

I think in yoga they talk about the human being having five sheaths. The food sheath ... energy, mental, intellectual and the bliss sheath.

There are also five meditational stages. These are gross, subtle, bliss and then two others which I don't yet understand so why give them names?

We all experience the gross. It must be the food sheath. Flatheids never get out of the gross. Flatheids are gross!

I think I must have some experience of the subtle and the bliss levels of meditation. Or mind. I assume the gross level of meditation is the one which you are stuck with when you start, when you are maybe muttering the mumbo jumbo to yourself and that seems to be, more or less, all that's happening.

I think you maybe start experiencing the subtle when the creepy uppy thing starts creeping up you, and wriggling, and eventually on occasion you have the weird envelope thing developing. The bliss starts manifesting in there somehow. From this point, you will go backwards and forwards, but if you stick with it, you are surely setting your controls for the heart of the sun!

This bloggy is about experiential mysticism. I can only say what I know. There is more than one way to skin a cat. I'm not saying that you cannot go through all these sheaths and all these stages of meditation by standing on your head and sticking your toe up your nose. I'm sure somewhere some poor basturn will have accomplished this. But it seems to moi ...

It is much better if you learn how to sit and be flexible and get your body in some kind of order so that when the kundalini kicks in, you don't experience horrible agonies. This heat stuff doesn't want to find blockages in it's way. I'm pretty sure all the warnings about the agonies are quite apposite. But the posturings is on the start of the game, or the helpmate. The posturings are for when you have to get up from the meditations because you are sore.

You could check out youtube on Tibetan Yoga. The boy doing the jumps from the lotus and switching legs in mid air would know what we're talking about here a lot better than I do!

Between meditation sessions, the best thing for me is doing tai chi sets. This is because of the feelings! Tai chi sets mean you move. So you sit and then you move. By the sittings, there is something wonderful added to the movings. Obviously, I cannot explain this, but the hatha yoga is also very, very good. Dog poses and head stands. It's because of the way they feel. Doing any of this has an added quality when you've been investigating the bliss. Meditating and then doing some hatha yoga and then doing a tai chi set ... well, you'd be dying then to get back to the meditating. What a way to spend a morning!

You cannot explain this or demonstrate it to those who only experience the gross, the flatheids, those evolutionary tails, them prehensiles. You just can't. Their heads are so far up their backsides.

So I'm sorry for making the insulting remarks about the posturings, but if you don't meditate, or start meditating, I'm afraid you are a complete disgrace and shame on you for being given this opportunity and wasting your time reading stuff like this, and still not meditating.

What do you think, Jack? Well, Hotboy, the folk who are really good at this stuff don't say things like that. They all say that everything is very nice, and don't worry about it, and it's okay to be a lazy basturn, an evil bourgeois, or a sweetie eating moron. So you should aspire to that, Hotboy.

Hmmm? It's better when the addictions switch. I want a better Mr Hyde.