Year Review!

Wednesday 5:25 p.m.
I did no writing at all in the first six months of the year (and the last six months of 2008) and concentrated my efforts on the juju. But I really fell into the arms of the Nicotine Dragon by the end of it. Despite moi and everything else, the meditations came on brilliantly this year.

I took refuge around the 3rd of January, 2003, which was right about the age my old man died, so I've been at this juju for about seven years now. I'd been meditating for seventeen years before that.

For most of the start of this year, I was dreading going to Skye for my holidays, and, when that passed, I found myself a complete wreck. I was fat and back into smoking joints big time. I had a wonderful couple of weeks around September when I was trying to purify myself of the poisons and those meditations were wonderful. Since then I have been getting a bit fitter though the last two weeks have been no help at all ... you can't run in weather like this!

In the last half of the year, I did some re-writes on an old book. I was trying to get away with not doing too much. That never works. There has got to be some blood, sweat and tears. But I really don't have the time to write in any more. I don't want a book in my head. I want to do this juju!

Something might happen soon with the writing since I feel like giving it up. Usually, when I feel like that, something happens. Some time it won't happen and then I will give it up. I just don't feel as if I have the time any more. This year a guy I was very fond of passed away and another contemporary was given an very unfortunate diagnosis. Tempis fugit.

I keep trying to achieve stuff with this juju and that's a big mistake. I know that. I'll be fifty nine next year. This isn't a rehearsal. But I'm not really happy with myself. If Dr Jekyll could get a grip on Mr Hyde, I'm sure I'd be much happier.

I don't think I'll ever be able to do these visualisations in my present circumstances. This may mean that I won't be able to raise heat properly. It may not. I don't know. But I do know that sometimes recently ... there are feelings of great openings in this "channel" or whatever it might be. This is a really wonderful thing to happen. What I'd really like to have is that as a default. Close your eyes and there it is. I get that sometimes already, but I don't think you can get it constantly (not from where I am!) as long as you smoke and drink. Or even eat cannybliss yogurts. I need more grip in the bits between meditations.

I know I'm living a wonderful life. Having any access to bliss at all (without even looking forward to developments thereof), makes me a very, very fortunate creature indeed.

In the latter half of the year, having decided that there is no helping them, I gave up calling the pondlife flath*ids. We are all the authors of our own misfortunes and if they don't mind walking around with their heads stuck up their backsides, that's okay with me. Grief, sorrow, lamentations ... delusions, disappointments and despair ... suffering this life ... well, fung that for a game of soldiers! Every year gets better and better for me. Hurrah!