Epistle to the Dakini

Friday 6 p.m.
The dakini emanated at the Silver Gate of the Botties yesterday and later we went off to get pissed. Mea culpa. I've decided to make the dakini my first convert to the Disbelieving Congregation. So I've just sent her this email. The dakini doesn't read this blog anymore, so I'll post any similar, haranguing emails in future.


Dear Dakini!
I've been thinking a lot today about you saying that I have not made any converts yet to the Disbelieving Congregation, of which I am certainly the sole representative and only member. In order to rectify this, I've decided to convert you since you are the only one who ever lets me talk about phenomenology.


The key to all this lies in your lungs. You are the only person I know whose lungs sound worse than mine. I've had three friends dying of lung diseases who have had better sounding lungs than that!

As you know, in the Disbelieving Congregation you don't have to give anything up and as I have succumbed once again to nicotine addiction, I am in the perfect position to offer advice.

It's not the cough that carries you off; it's the coffin they carry you off in!

It's good to give up coughing! But it is also good to be doing something to counteract the phlegm that rattles around, probably not doing you any good at all.

Here's how you give up coughing. Say susquehanna to yourself for two minutes. (Only two minutes!) Then tell yourself resolutely: I will stop coughing three times as a positive affirmation. Then take three huge breaths, one after the other, holding your breath for a bit when your lungs are full, and making sure you don't do that so long that you cannot attempt to completely empty your lungs. Squeeze the wheeze at the end.

Of course, I do not think you will empty your lungs, but will start coughing your guts up half way down. This is very good and will start to move the phlegm.

Then you can have a fag! It'll taste much better!

Just do it for your health. If you do it in front of others in the buddhafield, it might help put them off fags!!

If you started doing this every day, you would surely take your first steps on the road to heaven on this earth. If you do not start something like this, by the time you get to my age (if you live that long!), what will you face: a miserable, unhealthy old age characterised by grief, sorrow, lamentations ... delusions, disappointments and despair ... suffering in this life!! If you don't feel like doing this for yourself, you could try thinking about all the unhappy basturns you hang out with! Meditation should make you 2% more cheerful with every year. This is a huge amount! This will be a help to everyone you encounter. And you'll be able to call folk flatheids!

Just remember this is nothing to do with religion! It's self help. Flatheids are too stupid to even realise they are flatheids. Smart people should play the mind game because the mind game is the only game in town!

That'll be ten percent off the top! All the best! Hotboy