Grand Ennui

Saturday 1:01 a.m.
I'm not so sure what the grand ennui means. I think if you're with the Ancient Mariner and somebody's shot the albatross, and it's kind of too hot, becalmed, and there's bugger all to do except wait ... I think that might be the grand ennui.

I did enjoy smoking the ounce with the tobacco though! Unfortunately, I do not think I have enjoyed anything in samsara since. I drank another bottle of wine tonight. Blossom Hill, I think. 13.5%. Ernest Hemingway was right. You can't get drunk on white wine. Not one bottle over a couple of hours. On your own. Dearie me!

As part of my attempt to be more normal, I began reading The Road by Cormac McCarthy. The beginning isn't as good as it should be. He's scared the shit out of his editors. Same old, same old.

As part of my attempt to be more normal, I've been trying to write a book. Had two good ideas popping in during my meditations this evening in the lobby. I suppose if it hadn't been that which popped in, something else would have. I wouldn't mind dying through the night. I suspect that might be far more interesting than anything else that's liable to be going on.

Since I am not, and will not, be in retreat, I think it's time I changed my life. Be positive. Maybe go and make some money! Having some money! What a change that would be!