Thursday 11:55 a.m.
I've had no beer for the last eleven days and I've only had tobacco during last Sunday. I've had soapbar since then, but it'll be running out again tonight or tomorrow. God knows what's going on with my usual soapbar connection. I am very strongly tempted to go out and buy fags for joints today.
Usually when you have a fantastic feeling, it's easier to recall it because it's probably attached to some memory; something sexual or sporting, or something happened anyway to make you feel good.
Sheer bliss isn't like this. It happens in a vacuum of events. Last night I ate a bit of soapbar, did fifty of Mr Iyengar's yogic jumpings and had the bliss bath. If you eat a bit of soapbar, the evening's taken care of. Then someone's on the telephone for hours and you can sit in the kitchen and do the bliss again. This is the bliss!! The stuff after eight that you can't normally access because you're getting pissed or talking to flatheids or whatever. This is the bliss you get at that time of night or because you've already meditated for seven hours that day, or because of a combination of both .... but you can still get it under the influence of soapbar. You just can't get it as good as you would get it. But afterwards you're still stoned and that's quite nice.
Last night is the first time I've really wanted to drink since the New Year. Habituation. I often drink on a Wednesday night because I don't have to get up on Thursday. I knew if I just waited, the desire would go away and probably be replaced by another desire, which is what happened. I'll really feel like a drink tomorrow night if I smoke joints today and finish the soapbar.
The taoist boy said the essence of his stuff was quietness and effortlessness. I reckon you can get into effortlessness by eroding your false sense of self, by not wanting the unhelpful things, by thus getting the frustrations out of what you're doing. Today would be a lot more effortless if I didn't want the joints. I'm suffering the consequences of poor choices in the past. I may make some poor choices today, but the meditations have been spectacular so far. So back to the lobby!
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3 comments:
Today I desperately need to get rid of all sense of self. It is easier to tolerate other people's rotten brats if I can let go of caring about mundane things like good manners and appropriate behavior expectations.
I love to be alone in my sewing room, making fun and beautiful things. But working back stage during a production is a special kind of hell.
I've got 5 more shows in 3 days. This is one of those times I wish I did drink. I'm much more cheerful pickled. Today I'm grumpy.
Start blogging your fantastic sexual feelings if you can remember that far back, and your hit rate will soar.
On second thoughts, don't.
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